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Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
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12:42 pm - Love of my life
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I love you so much! It's been a year now, and all I can think about is how important you have been to me, and how much you have positively influenced my life. I can tell that we have both changed, baby, I guess for each other. Everything we do just makes us so much more important to each other. You complete me. I love you, Duncan.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
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1:05 pm - I have three hours to kill
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How many people have you dated this past year?: 1
How many people have you kissed in your life?: umm... becky and I tried counting already, it worked..... well not at all really
How many people have you said "I love you" to and meant it?: one.
Have you ever had a hard time getting over someone?: yes
Are you friends with your ex/exes?: friends... meh, we talk sometimes
Have you ever cheated on someone?: no, I don't think that really counted as cheating
Have you ever been cheated on?: many, many times.
What's the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?: people always do romantic things for me. but i really enjoyed going out with duncan for dinner, and skating.
What do you look for in your ideal husband?: someone who i can be myself around, and someone who isn't scared to buy me tampons
Biggest Turn-ons: eyes and personality
Turn-offs: liars
Morals/Beliefs
What religion are you?: do you have to believe in something in specific to have morals?
Do you go to church regularly?: not regularly
What do you think happens when you die: I think you miss what you never had
Do you believe in God?: yes
Satan?: I really haven't actually thought about this before, I dont think so. I mean, who actually knows who Satan is?
Angels?: yeah, there is one in my life right now.
Heaven?: yes
Hell?: not in the way that everyone else does.
Are you a virgin?: no
What do you think of abortion?: pro-choice... I think that if you can't support a child, or if it was a horrible situation, you should feel bad about getting one, but if you're honestly ready to have sex, you are ready to deal with the consequences. I don't think abortion should be used as another kind of contraceptive, and I really don't think it should be used more than once, again, provided it is an horrible situation. I do remain sincere though, It is a personal choice.
Suicide?: Honestly, everyone has wanted to try it at some points, but it really is a shame. There is nothing as bad as wanting to kill yourself, and I think that if you are considering it, you need to find something that makes you happy, because there is always something.
Flag burning?: Never tried it, but if it has some kind of religious/moral to it, define it for me.
War?: No matter what life is like, there is always going to be something to fight over, no matter how many peace corps there are, no one will be able to stop it, but no, that doesn't make it okay.
Pop music?: I don't mind it.
What Did You Do...
Last weekend?: Did everything but study, like I should have.
Yesterday?: Celebrate my one year with my angel. <3
Your last birthday?: Called the cops.
New Years Eve?: fell asleep at nine
Valentines Day?: got a duckie stuffy:)
Easter?: its coming up, unless I missed it (which isnt really that abnormal)
4th of July?: Working
Halloween?: Went out with friends.. stayed sober!
Thanksgiving?: family turkey dinner
Christmas Eve?: hung out with my gigantic family
Christmas Day?: opened presents, family stuff, had a lot of fun actually
What do you think you'll be doing in...
A week from now?: study really hard for my basics of meds test
A month from now?: preparing for next semester
A year from now?: be working, getting ready to figure out what Im going to do with my life.
5 years from now?: Hopefully, working, or travelling, but making money, getting ready to settle down with someone.
10 years from now?: Holy crap, I'd like to be married.. I'll be 28 then.. Holy crap, I had better be married!
Ever Been Called...
Dumb?: yes
Retarded?: DEROGITORY
Ugly?: yes
Hot?: yes
Fat?: yes
Anorexic?: yes
A waste of space?: yes
Useless?: yes
Sexy?: yes
Smelly?: no
A Slut?: yes
Beautiful?: yes
Smart?: yes
Quiet?: yes
Boring?: yeah..but i dont really care haha
A Bitch?: yes
Rebel?: yes
Conceited?: nope
Currently
What are you wearing?: rowing hoody, jeans, really uncomfortable shoes
Who are you talking to?: myself
How is the weather?: sunny:):):)
What are you listening to?: I was listening to Lasgo, but I'm listening to Hedley now.
What/Who are you thinking about?: My one and only
What are you eating/drinking?: I'm currently hungry
What are you looking forward to?: going home to sleep
What are you dreading?: waking up tomorrow morning
How are you feeling?: kinda angry
How is your hair?: gross the last time I checked
What time is it?: 12:55 am
What are you annoyed by?: OHHHH. I could rant about this. People who say that they are passionate, they consider actually admitting that they understand, people who make really harsh remarks to others, people who are jerks
When Was The Last Time You..
Burped?: coke, yesterday... not last night, yesterday
Kissed?: last night
Had sex?: hehe, yesterday
Went to the movies?: uhm, oh, Memoirs of a Geisha, with my mom and lil sis
Went out to eat?: Monday night, tappa bar! tappa tappa bar. I thought of strippers saying that.
Cried?: probably fairly recently.
Got dumped?: HA. over a year ago suckas
Dumped someone?: lol, I dislike this question, IT WAS A MISTAKE.
Threw up?: not for two weeks, but I still want to.
Peed?: I have to pee now.
Went skating?: about four months ago
Went for a walk?: last night
Ate ice cream?: cow bay, and it was the best icecream ive ever tried.
Three Things :
3 things you enjoy doing:
1. hanging out with duncan/ friends
2. listening to music
3. learning
3 things you want to try
1. sky diving
2. getting a 'listening' tatoo on my ankle
3. photography
3 people you love
1. my family
2. my friends
3. Duncan
3 foods you are addicted to
1. ice
2. mushrooms
3. peanut butter on waffles
3 things you hate - I dont hate anything
1.
2.
3.
3 shows you watched when you were little
1. Barney
2. Mr. dressup
3. Mr. Rogers
3 wishes
1. selfish: stay this happy forever
2. family: to make them endlessly happy
3. globally: for people to be passionate with others
Who was the last person you...
Talked to?: Fe
Yelled at?: Mom
Kissed?: Duncan
Hugged?: Duncan
Went out to eat with?: Duncan
Flirted with?: Duncan
Talked to on the phone? mom
E-Mail?: nexus
Got flowers from?: duncan
Made love to?: duncan
Danced with?: duncan
Fought with?: duncan
Worried about?: duncan
Wanted to kill?: duncan
Cried over?: duncan
Thought about?: holy crap, duncan
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Gorillaz - Monkey In The Jungle
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
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5:44 pm - some say love is not for sinners, I believe that is not true
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At least I know what I want,
and that is more than you can say.
How does it feel to get ditched? Hmm, yeah,
/blurb
IF YOU EXPECT ME TO STAY HERE WHEN YOU GO AWAY, I'S SO NOT HAPPENING.
/end of blurb.
SO CONFUSED.
//////boys suck
current mood:  amused
current music: I'm So Into You- Hedley
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 19th, 2006
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10:14 pm - You give me FEVER
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So I just had the best weekend of my life. I am soooooo SORE though. I was up at Mount Washington since Sat morning, and my muscles feel like they have been ripped throughoutly. I am soooo happy though.
I just got back from Dancing and I feel so tired, so I'm off to bed.
LOVE J00
xo
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 12th, 2006
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6:09 pm - I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts
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It's the great depression of 2006. Where everyone just wants to die! Hey, well me fucking too.
Well, no, I could do without the dieing part, but I do want to get the fuck out of here.
Anyone want to ride bare back out of town with me.
My parents must fucking DIE!!
current music: Yeah, nothing.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 9th, 2006
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10:48 pm
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| Monday, February 6th, 2006
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8:23 am - He's freaking out, he's got a gun, he'll get his way, he'll have his fun
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For fucks sake. My mom ran over my foot this morning, we had this major fight over how I said that guys shouldn't wear pink and tight pants. She's all like, your just falling in line with society, and I'm like you bitch, and it's not that I dont think guys should wear pink and tight pants cuz they look like girls, I just don't like the whole style thing. I mean if you want to wear pink go ahead, I just don't like it. And then she went on how I'm turning into another fraction of society, and I'm like fuck you. So I got out of the car and she went on about how dissapointed she was and blah, so I just stood there, and as she pulled away she ran over my foot. Like total bitch.
I DONT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW.
And now Duncan is bugging me about the whole food thing, because I'm "not eating" as much as I should be. But fuck, I was starving myself for months, he doesn't just think I'm going to get better without it being tough. Considering I'm doing it for him and everyone who 'cares,' the way I recover should be my way, IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE
I just fucking hate everything right now.
current mood: angry
current music: Hedley- Johnny Falls
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, February 4th, 2006
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4:21 pm
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| Friday, February 3rd, 2006
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6:42 pm
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| Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
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5:45 pm
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| Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
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12:28 pm - NO CALORIES. does water have cals in it?
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I hate not being able to make my own decisions.
I get hired, and then my parents basically fire me. ITS OUT OF THEIR CONTROL.
Fuck, I hate it.
I haven't eaten all day and I'm shaking like hell.
I'll talk to Derek today and see what he thinks. I guess it just wasnt meant to be. But fuck, it's irritating.
current mood: angry
current music: Castles in the Sky
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
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9:25 am - 2 Dad's cookies- 140 calories
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I'm completely addicted to j-pop. I LOVE IT.
I really dont understand people. I mean, just everyone.
AND THE GIRLS THESE DAYS. Such whores. I guess I'm still stuck in the sweatpant, sweatshirt days, because there is no way I would let someone see my nipples. Which, look like this right now : .
NOT COOL. Massive hickey, and it makes me look like I have a third nipple.
I love him though, with all things set aside. Like, hickies.
Anyways, if I was a guy, I would be gay. I HATE GIRLS.
See, I even make myself sick sometimes.
SO I definetly danced for five hours on the weekend, it was so much fun! I got really dizzy after a while, dancing in all of those squares, I guess I wasnt prepared for that.
Yeah, So I really dont have anymore updates.
I'm in class, so if you want to get ahold of me, call after one.
current mood: amused
current music: Naruto - 3rd ending
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, January 30th, 2006
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8:08 pm - 1200 calories a day? I'm down to 180
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"the day it rained forever, was the day i figured out how i truly feel. the day it rained forever, was the day i lost myself in your eyes. the day it rained forever, was the day i wasted away. the day it rained forever, the sun begain to shine. on the day the sun came out, you were not around."
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(comment on this)
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3:56 pm - Quaker, Low Fat, Honey Bran- 1 muffin 140 calories
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Yeah, so I am abnormally tired today, and I don't really have any reason to be. But whatever.
Now, I have a long rant.
I'm sorry. Jenn and I talked for a bit today, and now I just feel really guilty. See, she is in a whole crackload of pain, and this whole time I have just been self absorbed worrying about myself, when all I really should be doing is trying to help her get through the day. Really, when I think about it in a whole, I don't really have any problems that I can't cope with. I'm dealing with them all the best I can, I just have to deal with them and move on. I feel really bad now, because I'm like this with all of my friends. I talked to Kelsey today, and for the first time in forever, I felt like I should have been there to help her. Like, before, it was just agreeable that we were no longer best friends, and even though it sucked, it just happened, we let it happen. But when I was talking to her today, I realized that I shouldn't have let it happen. I do things to myself to take away the pain that I just as easily inflict onto others. Because in my mind it just solves everything. I do what I do because I hate myself, but my friends and family get struck down by this. And even though I know that it hurts them, I can't find a way out of it. My best friend, my boyfriend, my sister, get angry because I hate myself and out of spite I inflict cruel scars, and even though it scares the crap out of them, the addiction hurts more.
I've eaten for a week now. My hands shake, my body expands, and the more I eat, the more destroyed I feel. Even though everyone thinks I'm cured. The truth hides beneath my smile. And it sucks, because I can't tell anyone.
current mood: unfocused, confused, hurt
current music: Coldplay- Amsterdam
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 28th, 2006
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11:00 am
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| Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
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10:27 am
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Coldplay is the best band to listen to when you are sad.
current mood: amused
current music: Coldplay- Beautiful World
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 23rd, 2006
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10:19 pm
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I cant do this. I cant be happy.
I want to talk to someone who will understand, and not pretend.. and not get angry.
I want to talk to someone who wants me to be me, who loves me for me.
Im sick of talking to people who say they understand, but tell me what Im doing is wrong.
Im happy, I feel pretty.
I was fugly before, and now its like because Ive stopped Ive gone back to what I was before.
And it hurts.
current mood:  sick
current music: Lifehouse- Storm
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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11:37 am
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am I ok. yeah not really.
I broke down last night and friday, I need to find something that will take my mind off everything in life right now.
I just feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, and stomped on.
As far as the whole eating thing goes, it hurts more now because I'm eating healthy and I dont want to be.
I know that if I dont Jenn, Duncan and everyone else who I know cares, will be dissapointed.
I'm not even doing this for myself, because if it was my choice, I'd have puked twice already today.
I cried myself to sleep last night..
You know what.
This is the lamest shit ever. I hated to listen to other people moan and groan about their lives, and their problems, and me.. compared to everyone else I dont even have bad problems, so I just have to let all this shit go.
Forget about getting raped, and this whole eating disorder shit fuck... I'm over it.
Now...... how are you?
current mood: amused
current music: Coldplay- Green Eyes
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, January 19th, 2006
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10:45 pm
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good songs:
hedley- gunnin'
rascall flatts- im moving on
daniel powter- one night stand
tlc- unpretty
something corporate- konstantine
goo goo dolls- black balloon
hmm.. i dont know what to do.
I'm telling duncan tomorrow, or saturday. I kind of gave him hints today, but told him I couldnt say anything more. He is really concerned. Im hurting, and I dont know what to do. Like, I want to stop, but I know that if I stop, I wont be happy.
Its me versus making everyone else happy
current mood:  ahhhh
current music: eve 6- heres to the nights
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
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11:16 am - Not Satisfied
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I pretty much feel like my life just took a turn for the worse. I'm a terrible person, yeah I know..
I'm sitting here, (just threw up) and I feel like absolute crap, like maybe I havent thrown up enough. The acid is piling into my mouth, do you think that its tring to tell me something.
I've totally just ditched all of my friends from class, and I just want to be alone.
It seems like I cant talk to anyone anymore, and everyone who says that they are 'there' for me to talk to are never actually there when I need someone to talk to.
Like today.
I feel faint.
current mood:  faint
current music: rooney- that girl has love
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(comment on this)
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